Is it a healthy action to love someone in the distance?

Am I being 'torpe'?

Or am I being selfish to my self?

But how can I distinguish love in friendship if I have already forgotten this feeling? So let's start the tea first. I know this guys for a year already, he is being teased on me (but at that time I don't feel anything with him. I may giggle with the jokes but that doesn't mean I'm already hitting on him) though when we are alone we talk deeply. Deep conversations are one of my weakness, once I engaged to deep conversation it means I care for that person, worst case 'in love'? Though the definition of love still puzzles my mind. I still can't comprehend this word with action, thru vocabulary and definition. Back to him, he also getting bullied from time to time. Though he is legit 'torpe'. We once talked about something (about a girl that he likes way back in high school) and he still can't move on. Which I told him to find a new one. That's the only time you can really heal in the wounds for that so called love. He said he will find new one, but the next day I asked him if he already pushed back that girl or find a new one his response is 'I don't need one, I need to focus on my projects (which are projects in technology and such) and it's not my priority'. So I didn't mind about that. Though I keep thinking why not though? I mean he is a handsome guy, he can get any girl he wants, just be boastful about a specific path like technology and be knowledgeable about it and he still resist? I didn't mind after all that incident so we talk a lot about various thing. We also went to different jamming session with friends which I really always think about agendas like helping our other friends getting over about a girl, moving to a new apartment, getting their shitty life correctly. But every time he's there I always fall back into his place, his corner and he keeps giving me hints of comfort which is making me happy and making believe that life itself has meaning and stuff like that but scared me at the same time. There is this one time I was having a mental breakdown due to my anxiety and drunk even though I was on meds. He asks me 'what do you feel?' I always keep answering 'I don't know' with crying for no reason too. And I said to him 'If I can just move this feeling to you so that you could feel it' and he said 'If that feeling really can be moved to me then I'm willing to have it' and I was shook to be honest so I just didn't mind it for a while. 

I always ask myself  if he has the same feeling about me or isn't? I don't mind my self breaking into piece but the reality of that breaking that it will happen scares me. I even don't know how to react, is this is love? or is this just a great affection which subjugated to similar procurement of our life? 

To be honest the only thing I hate about my self is I spent too much to things. Such as money, physical ability, and this kind of thing. I spent a lot of time thinking about this, if this is it or isn't? Is this is the thing I should consider loved? He always show up into different things like even in facebook. He is the specified friend that is tagged on in the 'whom to show this post' setting. Which is kinda funny since in his facebook it is also me. LOL. 

So I keep thinking about this since I left in Naga (horray for me for finishing my school business!!!) and just came to conclusion to start loving (if any case) in the distance on him. Since I know to my self he might be creep off with this idea. Since he is a very stereotypical guy. He wants a good job, impress parents and something like that. Which is one of the reason why the last one I had dated failed. I keep asking to my self. 'Is this is love?' when I was in the van after that night we had bar hopping. I still got a hangover tho I feel genuinely happy at that moment. Everything is moving forward, vibrant.

Happy.

But now I have this thought about this feeling. The question that I my self can't answer if it's love really or is it just an affection which will fade away too. Thou I still linger with this feeling. Since this might keep on for a little while. So why not enjoy this feeling, right?

If he can read this and I'm pretty sure I will fucked up our own friendship, AGAIN. gugh. He will start ignoring me and worst case block me. Which happen EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

Mali bang nag mahal lang? Pwede namang sabihin na di mo kayang i reciprocate right? I mean I can handle that. Just be honest and I'm pretty sure I will accept everything you will said.

Hayst.