Lalalalalalalalalala

I'm a 23 years old human being. I'm not getting younger anymore. I'm getting older and being invested with this feeling is a bit of a shame for my age. But there are still buts and what ifs. How can I move forward if I keep going backwards? It's like an infinite loop that I'm trying to escape. Yet I can't.

I've been studying for this exam for the past few months already and took the exam twice and failed with the same average result which doesn't go higher with 65-69% and I'm getting frustrated with it.

Am I dumb that I can't go higher with the passing rate? Is my knowledge is not enough for the exam? or does the title of being a professional civil service is not for me? What is it that I'm lacking of? I need answers but I can't find the lacking questions really.

I've been in the peak of my patience this past few days due to the fact that my mother keeps calling me (using her phone) to summon me for food. And I'm either asleep when she is making this habits. And there is this proverb in my country that
'Mag biro ka nalang sa lasing wag lang sa bagong gising' (make fun on a drunk man rather than the person who have just awoken)

It's been 2 months since I graduated on my Alma Mater. It's a roller coaster ride. Tho I need work to sustain my family's needs and my self too. I just hope that this journey will make me find my work.

So I keep telling to my self last March if I didn't march on March then I will slit my wrist really. Because I'm so done with all this struggles or challenges in my life. Yet, I graduated in my Alma Mater!!

I don't know what to do. I'm in cluster fuck I'm so tired. REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY TIRED OF WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. I've got 20,000PHP(415USD) on debt. My Phone Service Verification is currently on process (which is taking too much time that it makes my business lost customers), I have a due date for final Defense this Saturday.

I haven't learned from my mistake. What is wrong with me? I'm on a debt again. AGAIN.

I have been searching my music genre for the past few months. Something that will please my mind, my soul, my eternal salvation eternity.AND I FOUND IT!

So let's define first what is existential crisis is:

An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether this life has any meaning, purpose, or value. This issue of the meaning and purpose of existence is the topic of the philosophical school of existentialism.
(based on wikipedia)

To cut down everything into a simplest form. It means that existential crisis is having this question in their own mind:


If you have this question in your mind. Yes!!! You are having a existential crisis!!

Most of modern relationships these days deminish this idea but for me this is one of the important thing that a person can hold on to. It's maybe unsaid rule but it is should be necessary for something else. For instance "I own that Cabinet" given such any idea that that cabinet belongs to you even without legal documents or so and just putting some label on it.

I have given a power by my beloved ancestors that I can read emotions, what do they feel, everything that is connected to that person. It usually comes when I just currently woke up and it is irritating me a lot. Specially if I didn't eat my heavy dinner and I just woke up.

I never understand why people can't do this.

The thing that I thought I was good at, I thought I was good enough. Newsflash I am not.

So basically I have a budget to buy a new lens however I'm worried if do I really need it? Since there are still major things I need. Do I need it?

Soooooo I joined this organization since I am graduating student (that has a fucked up sentence organization. Lol) and I wanted to feel on what it feels like to work with people again.

However to start with this is that we are actually the founder of this organization this mean we need to do the paper works. Starting from the Constitution, Vision, Mission, and etc of the organization which is pain in the butt.


Anddddd also since it is FILM making I need to buy some new things to my camera (Yes I do have a camera and its the source of my life, and income)

I need this things to buy:

So basically I survived this thriving month. With a lot of pressure because of the debt!! LUCKILY I FOUND A CUSTOMER IN MY SERVICE (Phone Verification) and he brought 300 accounts (which is $300) that saves my life!

But before that I did pawn my lovely Camera (I almost teared up because it's the source of my life) and Manage to budget all the money given by my Parents (Love them a lot!)

Now I don't have a problem!! ........


I don't have??....

The reason of me having my self in all this money making methods in internet is because of the reason that I'm currently on debt in school. That is due this week. To those who didn't know about my school background.

I'm a 3rd year BSIT in Ateneo de Naga University (AdNU) a amazing Jesuit school here in the Philippines!

Why did I became in debt?

The reason I was in debt because of the thing that my parent is currently cutting my allowance to minimize our cost. My Dad that is currently retired (which is still not on pension) and my Mom that only has 5k/month in salary make my living survive. In addition with my rent that is super costly make this more a lot harder. Even myself is having a hard time coping up my expenses here in which I'm currently staying.

Why didn't you get a job while you're studying?

Hmmm... I don't know how to start but let me begin. I won't talk about my technical information's since you won't need it. How about we talk about who is me inside me.

Reality wise.

image: https://www.flickr.com/photos/sinulog || edit by: Jonaii