Lalalalalalalalalala

I'm a 23 years old human being. I'm not getting younger anymore. I'm getting older and being invested with this feeling is a bit of a shame for my age. But there are still buts and what ifs. How can I move forward if I keep going backwards? It's like an infinite loop that I'm trying to escape. Yet I can't.

A man that I poured care, attention and time break my heart. This is not the first time nor the last, but the feeling of being violated never changed. The self-crumbling, the self-defense mechanism, all the things that I do every-time I'm broken is back again.




And I thought I'm strong enough. Strong enough to take this kind of thing as a matter of nonsense.

My instinct is telling me that there is someone who likes me. But how do I know who is it?

Hopia (n.) - mga tawag sa mga hoping na magiging sila but ending? Nganga.

I dunno. It feels like I'm missing something. That I am far beyond the circle of the track of all the human life. That I wander off too far and seeing all the things that I shouldn't have. Am I getting crazy?

So let's define first what is existential crisis is:

An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether this life has any meaning, purpose, or value. This issue of the meaning and purpose of existence is the topic of the philosophical school of existentialism.
(based on wikipedia)

To cut down everything into a simplest form. It means that existential crisis is having this question in their own mind:


If you have this question in your mind. Yes!!! You are having a existential crisis!!

I have given a power by my beloved ancestors that I can read emotions, what do they feel, everything that is connected to that person. It usually comes when I just currently woke up and it is irritating me a lot. Specially if I didn't eat my heavy dinner and I just woke up.

I never understand why people can't do this.

And I am scared.
And the reason is I don't know why.
Am I pressure?
Am I going to have a good pictures?

I got this feeling of being alone every evening and I don't how to explain it. It triggers just time to time of night and I don't know what it triggers. Is it because I became too focused on being an independent person? I actually envy people who have been in loved or the feeling of beloved.

Should I open my heart to new comings again? But to whom? him? her? what? I don't know what to choose more.

If I choose a him partner they will just basically have my inner heart to be on heat because of the pondering love they can give.