Lalalalalalalalalala

I'm a 23 years old human being. I'm not getting younger anymore. I'm getting older and being invested with this feeling is a bit of a shame for my age. But there are still buts and what ifs. How can I move forward if I keep going backwards? It's like an infinite loop that I'm trying to escape. Yet I can't.

I've been studying for this exam for the past few months already and took the exam twice and failed with the same average result which doesn't go higher with 65-69% and I'm getting frustrated with it.

Am I dumb that I can't go higher with the passing rate? Is my knowledge is not enough for the exam? or does the title of being a professional civil service is not for me? What is it that I'm lacking of? I need answers but I can't find the lacking questions really.

I've been in the peak of my patience this past few days due to the fact that my mother keeps calling me (using her phone) to summon me for food. And I'm either asleep when she is making this habits. And there is this proverb in my country that
'Mag biro ka nalang sa lasing wag lang sa bagong gising' (make fun on a drunk man rather than the person who have just awoken)

It's been 2 months since I graduated on my Alma Mater. It's a roller coaster ride. Tho I need work to sustain my family's needs and my self too. I just hope that this journey will make me find my work.

So I keep telling to my self last March if I didn't march on March then I will slit my wrist really. Because I'm so done with all this struggles or challenges in my life. Yet, I graduated in my Alma Mater!!

I don't know what to do. I'm in cluster fuck I'm so tired. REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY TIRED OF WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. I've got 20,000PHP(415USD) on debt. My Phone Service Verification is currently on process (which is taking too much time that it makes my business lost customers), I have a due date for final Defense this Saturday.

I haven't learned from my mistake. What is wrong with me? I'm on a debt again. AGAIN.

I have been searching my music genre for the past few months. Something that will please my mind, my soul, my eternal salvation eternity.AND I FOUND IT!

So let's define first what is existential crisis is:

An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether this life has any meaning, purpose, or value. This issue of the meaning and purpose of existence is the topic of the philosophical school of existentialism.
(based on wikipedia)

To cut down everything into a simplest form. It means that existential crisis is having this question in their own mind:


If you have this question in your mind. Yes!!! You are having a existential crisis!!

Most of modern relationships these days deminish this idea but for me this is one of the important thing that a person can hold on to. It's maybe unsaid rule but it is should be necessary for something else. For instance "I own that Cabinet" given such any idea that that cabinet belongs to you even without legal documents or so and just putting some label on it.

I have given a power by my beloved ancestors that I can read emotions, what do they feel, everything that is connected to that person. It usually comes when I just currently woke up and it is irritating me a lot. Specially if I didn't eat my heavy dinner and I just woke up.

I never understand why people can't do this.