Lalalalalalalalalala

I've been having pre-test for a year already and always having the same percentage of it. It's always within 60% never been 70% or higher to achieve the passing grade.

What's wrong with me? Am I capped to 60% only for my brain to use or am I that dumb as fuck that my test is always 60% percentile every time? It gives me anxiety by just knowing that I can't go higher with this score. I need help. I need guidance. I need pure luckiness(?) for it to happen.

I love things that I can see patterns. Patterns that will meet halfway. Patterns that breaks halfway but gets back when the time comes.

I'm a 23 years old human being. I'm not getting younger anymore. I'm getting older and being invested with this feeling is a bit of a shame for my age. But there are still buts and what ifs. How can I move forward if I keep going backwards? It's like an infinite loop that I'm trying to escape. Yet I can't.

I've been studying for this exam for the past few months already and took the exam twice and failed with the same average result which doesn't go higher with 65-69% and I'm getting frustrated with it.

Am I dumb that I can't go higher with the passing rate? Is my knowledge is not enough for the exam? or does the title of being a professional civil service is not for me? What is it that I'm lacking of? I need answers but I can't find the lacking questions really.

I've been in the peak of my patience this past few days due to the fact that my mother keeps calling me (using her phone) to summon me for food. And I'm either asleep when she is making this habits. And there is this proverb in my country that
'Mag biro ka nalang sa lasing wag lang sa bagong gising' (make fun on a drunk man rather than the person who have just awoken)

A man that I poured care, attention and time break my heart. This is not the first time nor the last, but the feeling of being violated never changed. The self-crumbling, the self-defense mechanism, all the things that I do every-time I'm broken is back again.




And I thought I'm strong enough. Strong enough to take this kind of thing as a matter of nonsense.

Well it seems that even I have a job I'm still going to be depress sad. I'm loosing again with this feeling of sadness. Why do I feel melancholy again? I have a stable job, I have something that no one can have. But still, why? Am I lonely? is there's something that I don't want today? is there's anything that I want? am I doing the wrong thing of my life? it's past Saturday but what the hell?

am I tired of watching something I love disappeared? am I reminiscing again?


does this disconnection to human society is making me feel more vulnerable to being sad?


I can't have my life on my own. and it seems that people are inferring.